A Thought That Escapes

Poop and Punches and The Application

2009-01-20T21:49:00.000-08:00

Well it's my last night of vacation. It is at this point that I really REALLY wish I was independently wealthy and did not need to work. I wish I could board a plane right now and head somewhere tropical. Any of you out there reading this wish to help make that dream a reality? T minus 13.5 hours until I return to the land where children throw poop and punches. I guess it's a good thing, though. Restraining children is how I stay in shape (you think I'm kidding, don't you? You should see my arms. The definition in them is not from lifting the remote.)

I don't really have anything awesome to say today. Wait. Who am I kidding? Everything I say is awesome. Duh.

So looking through some of my writings I have stashed away I found what follows. One of my friends and I were talking one day about various things and the sorry excuses for gentlemen out there so it inspired me to write it. I had forgotten about it (it's in a different folder than my current project) until I saw it tonight. I cracked myself up while I was writing it (when DON'T I crack myself up, though?) so hopefully it brings a smile to you, too.

There are applications to get a job, there are applications to get a house, there are applications to buy a car, there are applications to get into to college, there are even applications to get a cell phone; so why shouldn’t there be an application for dating? In a society filled with the horrific things we see on the news every single day why not screen the people that want to buy a little of our time? Not only do we have to worry about gun wielding lunatics, but we also have to worry about the wolves disguised in sheep’s clothing that are only searching for tail. Failed relationships, and heartbreak after heartbreak, it’s high time that one stops settling for “Mr. Good Enough for Right Now” and finds “Mr. Right”. So here it is…

The Application To Date Me

Full Name _______________________________________

Date of birth __________________________

Do you have a criminal record (if yes, you best be explaining, but don’t start holding your breath) ______________________________________________________

Do you do any drugs ____________

Do you smoke ______________

How tall are you _______________

What color are your eyes _____________________

How long was your longest relationship _____________________

Have you ever cheated on a girlfriend _______________________

What is the most important thing in a relationship ____________________

Do you like to read _________________________________

What church do you go to _______________________________

If you don’t regularly attend church what are your religious beliefs ________________________________________________________________________

Highest grade completed in school _________________________

Are you close with your family __________________

Do you have any siblings _______________________________________________________________________

Where were you raised _______________________________

What High School did you attend ______________________________

Have you ever been married or engaged __________________

Do you have any children ______________

Do you want children (if yes how many) _______________________________

What kind of car do you drive ___________________________

Do you have your own house/do you live alone ________________

What do you do for a living and how many hours/week do you work _______________________________________________________

What kind of music do you listen to _________________________________

What are your top five bands of all time ________________________________________________________________________

What are your top five movies of all time ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

What do you do in your free time _______________________________________________________________________

Do you drink alcohol often __________________________________________

Do you drink coffee _________________

Do you like to dance ____________________

What are your top five priorities in life ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

How do those change if you are in a relationship ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

What do you think about the military _______________________________________

Are you a republican or a democrat ________________________________________

Who sings “Yellow Ledbetter” __________________________________________

What is your favorite color _____________________________

What song do you secretly rock out to when no one is around to make fun of you for liking the song _________________________________________________________

What is your favorite type of food _________________________________________

What is your favorite holiday ___________________________________

What is your favorite season of the year ___________________________

Do you like the rain ________________________________________

Do you like thunder and lightning _______________________

What is your perfect date ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Do you believe in ghosts _______________________________

Do you believe that people can have a sixth sense _____________________________

Do you believe in love at first sight _____________________________

Do you believe everything happens for a reason _________________________

Do you believe in soul mates ________________

Do you have any piercings or tattoos ________________________________________________________________________

Are there any typos or grammatical errors in this application ___________________

Is there anything else I should know about you that I did not ask ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Any psychological disorders, psychopathic tendencies, are you a fugitive from Russia ______________________________________________________________

Did you enjoy filling this out __________________________________________

Are you smiling or laughing right now _____________________________

Where do you see yourself in five years ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

What is your phone number _______________________________________________

Can you give me the fairytale _____________________________________________

Bold Sins, Loving Touch and CRAISINS,

2009-01-19T22:01:00.000-08:00

I should start by saying that I love Craisins. That's it. I love them. I am eating them now (I say "eating" because there is no sort of "snacking" with these babies.) and I can't stop. Maybe I should boil them down and mainline them. I may or may not need a support group.

Speaking of love...

I love Hugh Laurie. I pretty much think that he and I should be married. We could get married and serve Craisins at the wedding. Sweet Jesus, why haven't his people called me yet to arrange this fantastic idea?

*sigh*

Whatever.

Is it just me or, after a certain amount of time passing, do you just not remember how much you truly enjoy human touch. I'm not talking about high fives and hugs from friends and family (or restraining children -- no matter how gratifying that may be....), I'm talking about the touch from someone who looks at you and knows that you're the one that they want to be with. When you've had it for a while and it suddenly goes then, of course, you miss it a whole lot. After months, you seem to miss it less, then after years you seem to forget. You forget how nice it is to be wanted, to be held.

Or maybe we don't forget.

Maybe we convince ourselves that we don't need it, no, convince ourselves that we don't want it.

Whatever it is, bitterness or becoming jaded over time, I don't know, but I do know that no matter how much one (read: me) tries to ignore the long for someone's touch, or use that longing to enhance her comic repertoire, there's an undeniable void that can only be filled by Craisins. I seriously fucking love these things. Anyways the void can only be filled by someone who reciprocates the feeling you cast to them. Maybe it's the serious influx of shitty romantic comedies (who the fuck am I kidding? I love them and I wish that life -- more specifically, mine -- played out like they do) but it's been a few years since I've had that somebody, since I've had that touch and I realize, a little more each day how I miss it. Now, don't get me wrong. There's definitely the need for carnal, clothes tearing off, throw you up against the wall touch, too, and I love that (Seriously, I really love that kind), but what I miss more is someone to be here. I miss it all. Being goofy, silly, ridiculous, and sarcastic; I miss staying at home cooking and eating together (do you know how ridiculously depressing it is to eat alone?), or goofing off in a store with products that the seller is stupid enough not to put into 30 layers of packaging, or debating song lyrics while driving (or drinking) (but not both at the same time because that would be bad) shit. DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE. Okay, I think I redeemed myself there. Whew. Shit. 20 points for the movie (and a 1/2) reference I made back yonder. Enough sappy shit. Jeez.

Whatever.

So I went grocery shopping today with the intentions of cooking more (1 so that I actually eat and 2 so when I do eat it's not just cereal or eggs.). My grampa and gramma would be proud of what I bought and with what I plan to cook them into. Actually I know that they are, in fact, proud because (you bet your ass) I called them and told them exactly everything I purchased and what my meal plans are. I did this because (I am a 5 year old, apparently) I am excited to take a positive step in the "grown up" world (I'm 29, I suppose I should at least make a baby step to being an adult).

ANYWAYS

I went shopping and this woman and her two kids apparently thought the aisles of Fred Meyer were the illegitimate love child of a basketball court and a boxing ring. I'm not kidding. These fuckers had me boxed in at the eggs. I am minding my own business making sure that the eggs I am choosing are not broken (learned from experience on that -- ALWAYS check your eggs) when I turn around and the two kids have the basket in the middle of the aisle (people were actually having to bump their cart in order to pass) as the kids are pulling UFC moves on each other while screaming and laughing hysterically. Mom, instead of telling her kids to take 20 cc's of CALM THE FUCK DOWN is 15 feet away at the cheese where she proceeds to throw two packs of shredded cheese into the cart as if she's shooting the 3 at the buzzer. WHERE THE FUCK DO THESE PEOPLE COME FROM and why do they inevitably find their way to me?! Oh. I forgot to add that both of the children were wearing moon boots, too. FOR FUCKS SAKE.

By the way I should throw out that I absolutely LOVE Chelsea Handler.

and

I am excited to see the movie He's Just Not that Into You because it is one of my favorite books (so hilarious, but every word of it is SO true). If you haven't read the book then you need to do so. Now. The movie looks hilarious. If the movie is not good then I will be unable to post anymore blogs (wipe the excitement off your face, asshole, the movie doesn't come out until Feb 6) because I will be in prison for 1. killing those who made the movie and 2. clubbing baby Koalas because if I'm going down then I'm going in a blaze of glory.

So I should go now because I'm tired of being clever and the kind of brilliance I emit is exhausting.

Until next time, kids, remember my friend T's motto: "If you're gonna sin, then sin boldly." And there you have it.

s.

Earthquakes, Stereotypes, Photo Ops, and Crudeness Exuded

2009-01-18T21:34:00.000-08:00

The day started out as any other. Except it didn't. Apparently it was vital for my neighbor to move out of her apartment this morning at 0700 with approximately 47 of the largest, loudest stomping, furniture dropping retards in the northern hemisphere. I tried to ignore it, but the constant earthquake thundering up and down our adjoining stairwell had other plans. So I got up and drank some coffee.

Oh. By the way, MFL and I are starting up our own business. We are still in the planning stages right now, but moving along nicely. We do lots of research for the up and coming business and today that research included attending Portland's Bridal Show held annually at the convention center. This research project is fantastic for several reasons:

1. MFL, as previously mentioned, is as inappropriate as I am. There is no "marginally" in front of it, either. We are WHOLLY inappropriate all of the time. Especially if the situation calls for acting like a respectable adult. So spending any time whatsoever with her is guaranteed fun.
2. Free cake. Who doesn't love cake? Especially when it's free.
3. There will undoubtedly be a lot of things (read: people) there to make fun of. Loudly.
4. Free cake.
5. Pretending to be a bride and then watching the excitement fade off the vendors' faces when you say "Just kidding" after they just spent 10 minutes selling you on the special they're running for today only! while 7 other real brides have come and gone.
6. Free.
7. Cake.

Let the fun begin. I show up to MFL's house and we immediately start discussing books (again) as she shows me her new ones and old favorites (we're such dorks). Her husband, CR, steps in to say 'hello' and we chat. **sidebar** MFL and CR may be the most fantastically cute and perfect pairing since Whiskey and Coke or Smith and Wesson. I lurve their stupid faces so bad.

Whatever.

Anyways so MFL and I are driving to the show and as we pull up behind a car stopped at a red light we feast our eyes on what reinforces every stereotype and joke regarding Mexicans.

MFL: What the shit? There's like 30 people in that car.
me: W. T. F.
MFL: Seriously what is going on in there?
me: It's a Ford Taurus wagon, right? Not a clown car?
MFL: I wonder how they all got in there. It doesn't look like it would be easy. Or quick. hehehe quickandeasy hehehe
me: Does it make me horrifically politically incorrect if I point out that they're all Mexicans?
MFL: No because that's exactly what my first thought was.
me: Nothin like reinforcing every stereotype there is. Oh well. Where the fuck am I supposed to turn to get into this joint?

So we get into the place and immediately begin our commentary. On everything.

me: Would it be poor form if I started hitting on random guys I see?
MFL: I don't think so, except most of them are probably here with their fiances.
me: Hmpf. I wonder what the odds are. Shit.
MFL: Shit, that bitch stole my outfit.
me: Who?
MFL: The one in the poor fitting prom dress and ugly face

So we get through the line and get in this shit show. There are already lots of people and I hate them all already. On the bright side, though, we found me 3 new boyfriends (one of which MFL named Jerry. As in CURL because he. had. one. and an ugly face) and her 6 new husbands (sorry CR). There were some PRIME pickins there today, folks! Seriously. Jerry curls, Shmans, and Boat Captains (in full regalia)! If you didn't go in with a fiance you could surely leave with one! SCORE! All this and we haven't even hit the cake yet. Fuck. Iwantsomecakedammit!

Ahhh. Cake.

So we meander, push, and kick through the hordes of blushing brides to be for the next hour and a half receiving a, disappointingly, small amount of stink eyes from anyone who overheard anything that we said. On our journey we stumble across some very excited, dancing, DJ's (MFL: You should totes go give that hot DJ guy your number. me: Those guys have to be wasted to be doing that. MFL: It's okay, just sleep with him. me: I can't do that because I would feel like I'm being deceitful MFL: Oh fine. You with your morals and shit. Damn you. Come on though, it's just sex. me: I can't, but that would make a fun story, wouldn't it. Seriously, though, they have to be wasted right now!) Anyways we come across a vendor for photo booths and we partake. We walk away and celebrate how fantastic we and our new photo booth photos are. Next we sit down to the "Fashion Show" and proceed to offend about 20 more people (fuck em, we thought it was hilarious that the first "girl" looked more like a man who didn't know "she" was a man yet.) MFL states loudly This shit is a waste of my time I'm not looking for a dress. We decide to walk away from the "fashion" show and go covert ops to the photo booth vendor to take another set of photos (so we could each have a set, duh.). So we come up with a sneak attack plan to get our second photos and we get there and realize that the photo booth lady (not the dude that was there our first time around, Score!) there is occupied with some broad whining about something. We sneak right in and take a second round of pictures. When we come out and are waiting for the pictures the lady is no longer occupied and begins to offer us a brochure, but then stops and gives us the stink eye oh. You've already been through. That's kind of... Shit. She's on to us. We grabbed the pics and left her midsentence.

We've done enough damage, let's get the shit outta here.

I'm pretty sure that the enormity of fun that was had, and crudeness exuded, does not translate into this post, but it doesn't matter. I don't care and if you can't figure out hilarious MFL and I are then we won't like you anyways.

Gotta go, reruns of Grey's Anatomy are on.

Don't judge me, asshole.

s.

16 Days, Hot Mess, and an Unsexy Addiction

2009-01-17T19:27:00.000-08:00

So I'm pretty sure I love Urban Dictionary. Why haven't I discovered this sensational beauty of inappropriateness before today? I mean, there are but a few who match me in my poor form (except, of course, MyFriendLisa --MFL-- who gives me quite the run for my money and, more often than not, comes out ahead.) Anyways, the point is, that I, being wholly inappropriate most all of the time, should be in contact with this wonderous creature of Urban Dictionary every. single. day. Where else will you find the definition for "Douchechill" (which was apparently used in the show Arrested Development, that I also haven't seen. Seriously, where the fuck have I been?!)? To demonstrate the brilliance in a sentence: "Prince Headbang's father, Headbang Sr, is a real Douchechill."

So what's my point on here.

I was asked the other day by someone if I had thought of jump starting my writing career on the internet. He didn't particularly mean a blog, but this will have to do since I already have one and I'm not technologically savvy enough (read: I am a moron) to figure out any other way. If nothing else this will at least help me do some sort of writing (to write at least something, even if only a few lines, everyday is my goal) even if there are only 6 people who read it. Haha, suckas!

Whatever.

So I've been on vacation for the last 16 days. It's fucking fantastic. I haven't done anything special or gone anywhere, but I have done quite a bit of relaxing (which was much, no make that MUCH, needed). I have read 4 books, made a blanket for my cousin's new baby, spent a lot of time with family, spent even more time at Powell's (I have an addiction), and got a wisdom tooth pulled (Sexy, huh?). Today I soaked up every second of the sun that was humanly possible. It was absolutely beautiful. I spent the day reading on my balcony (I know, exciting, right?). The air smelled so clean and crisp, the birds flew through a cloudless sky, and the wind blew, but not too much. I closed my eyes and for a moment it felt like I was on the beach (which is where I should have been, but I wasn't because I am a retard and sat at home instead of driving to the coast where it was 65 degrees) and for that second my life was perfect. And then the neighbor's 3 year old came out to play. He was tough shit on his big wheel. He raced all around, screaming all the while. And then he fell off of it. Of course I started laughing (why would you ever doubt me?). You don't need to say it, I profess it often: I AM AN ASSHOLE. So I'm laughing, loudly, looking for this kids parents to come scoop him up. Where was this kid's parents? Oh yeah. Not there. They watched from the balcony of their apartment. WTF? Super parenting, folks.

The moral of the story is that I'm glad I'm on vacation, but wonder why I can never escape the horrific parenting and the hot mess of it's products that litter this society.

Until the next inappropriate moment of my life presents....

s.

Legitimate Bitch, Sultry Rock, and Sometimes Sex

2008-05-06T22:02:00.000-07:00

I should let everyone know that I got a promotion. Now I am no longer in charge of only a bunch of crazy children, but also am in charge of crazy staff as well. I'm pretty excited because now I have legitimacy behind bossing people around.

Other than that not a whole lot is going on. I still hate people. I love living in the big city. I sometimes feel like my life is like an episode of Sex and the City. Only sometimes, though.

I've been watching American Idol. Yes. There, I said it. I love David Cook. He's fucking great. Anyone who can transform a peppy, chick song like Always Be my Baby into a grainy, sultry rock song can definitely get my attention.

And with that, I am off here.

s.

I Think She Washed the Dishes with Pussy Juice. It's What Helps them Get Really Clean.

2008-03-23T22:15:00.000-07:00

I am updating. Finally. To add a side note I am intoxicated at this moment. It is, after all, Marathon Sunday. Well the marathon ended hours early, but that's okay I'm sure my liver will be fine with this.

So I had every intention to do nothing but write all day. I woke this morning and drank my coffee then cleaned my house. I was about to sit down to the computer when my phone rings. It's V. Conversation is as follows.

V: What are you doing
me: Getting ready to do some writing. What are you doing?
V: Nothing. Wanna hang out?
me: Sure. What are we going to do?
V: (awkward pause) Uhh, I don't know. What do you feel like doing?
me: I don't know. What should we do?
V: Wanna just start drinking?
me: Sounds perfect. Why did we even have the conversation that questioned what we were going to do? Do we ever do anything else?
V: I don't know! It stressed me out though. Like I had to figure out something for us to actually do!

And so the drinking ensued. From about 1400 until 2130. It was fantastic.

In the mean time I have reclaimed a fantastic love for some of my front end coworkers. I wish that they worked Wednesday through Saturday with me instead of Sunday through Wednesday, but these are the trials of my life. ANYHOO...So on Friday night I met up with my front end friends: MyfriendL (here on out referred to as MFL), MyfriendR (MFR), and MyfriendS (MFS). It was the best time of my life. I cannot put into words how much I adore each of them. It was this night of Fantastical Fantasticism that led me to decide that I was going to marry MFS and exploit his brilliance then live independently wealthy for the rest of my glorious days. So today as V and I started our drinking I sent MFS a text message informing him of my plan. And so it begins.

V and I decide to migrate downtown. We cross the bridge. We intend to do normal things like shop and walk around. We end up at a bar. We call A and tell her and her husband A to meet us. I send MFS a text and tell him to giddyup. Shortly after V and my party of two becomes a party of 6. Well 7, but the crazy guy I haven't seen in 10 years that I randomly run into at a fucking bar on Sunday afternoon in Downtown Big City finally left. Anyways. We are all gathered around our table reminiscing about, horrifically traumatizing to outsiders, but equally hysterically funny to us, work stories (about 15 minutes of our uproarious laughter and conversation was centered around the words "pussy juice", which I might add gathered a plethora of baffled and disgusted looks from neighboring tables). So we talked about coloring vaginas blue, smearing blood and feces, psychotic involuntary movement, and a boy who loves nachos. My face hurt so bad from laughing.

Throughout the stories MFS and I did managed to have crucial conversations regarding our possible union. As it stands now I need to convert to another faith. Meh. I also should be ready to bear, roughly, 6 children (more if they do not meet up to our standards of aesthetics). Fine. Also our wedding will be held at the Explorer Club in NY with an outdoor reception in, maybe, Connecticut. I do believe that I am okay with this. He agreed that I will wear the pretty dress that I want and he has also agreed to buy me the pretty ring that I want. Of course with the salary that we both currently maintain we may have to do without luxuries such as: vehicle, gas, shelter and possibly food, in order for me to have my ring, but I I'm definitely okay with that. It won't be too long until I have shamelessly exploited him and then have wealth to share. I'm not too worried. He comes from a family of Lawyers. Perfect, my mom's in jail! We have legal things in common! Also it's an added bonus, about my mom, because then he doesn't have to deal with a crazy mother in law.

Conversations wind up and down and as the evening draws to a close I request that when MFS does the actual proposal that he do it in Pretend Talk Show Host style (Something that MFS does with the clients that I can do NO justice whatsoever to explain in print...you just have to see it) when he states that he thought I was the one that actually proposed in our relationship and that he is now considering the proposal. He's taking some time to think it over and hasn't given me an answer yet.

....**Proverbial Record Scratch and Crickets chirping**....

What. You have to think about it? Are you kidding? I told him my feeling was hurt (yes I have just one) he seemed not the least bit phased, but told me he should be sure he's making a solid decision since it is a large one to make. I told him that I'm the only one anyone needs; there's no question. We laugh. We say goodnight. He goes his way, myself, V and R (V's girlfriend) go ours.

My Oratory for the walk to the car is as follows:

Clearly he hasn't had the privilege of all that is me. Once one has had that allowance then he need not ever question whether or not I am the right decision to make. The correct answer to one's thought would be how could I live without her for even one more day? THAT is how it is. Duh.

I love drunken proposals and made up wedding scenarios. They make life grand. I equally love those who play along with the elaborate theatricals that go with it. This is why I love my friends.

Hopefully I'll have more to write soon. Until then,

s.

I Could be Engaged, I May Have CCP'd Jesus, and I'm Not Sure I Can Be Normal

2007-11-21T19:14:00.001-08:00

It's completely awesome that I will now have some scars on the inside of my right wrist from a 6 year old....I would post a picture or two, but they aren't turning out. Oh well, it's not like there won't be anymore in the future. HA!

So tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Tomorrow I will be working. This year is the first year I will be completely without my family for all of the holidays. I'm not sure how this will work out for me. At least tomorrow I'm scheduled to work so it's not a big issue. I'll be too preoccupied to think about anything else, but the downside is that Thanksgiving is the only holiday I like. Christmas is incredibly hard for me and this year my family will not even be around. I might pick up a shift at work, but I'm not sure if that will pan out. If I don't work I can sit home in my bathrobe and watch 24 hours of A Christmas Story on TNT. That wouldn't be so bad, I guess.

Last weekend a bunch of coworkers and I went out (WEIRD!). We started at a place called Barcode. It was alright except 3 things: 1. They did not have Midori 2. They charge approximately 3 zillion dollars for a drink and 3. No Smoking inside the establishment. Either way it was okay because I drank Black and Tans instead of Midori and someone bought a couple of them for me and we were near the door so we could easily go in and out. After some time a few of us decided to migrate to another place not too far (I can't remember the name of the place, but I do vaguely remember proposing to the door guy) So we have a drink or so there then H gets a text saying we need to come back to Barcode because everyone else has shown up. So we head back. At this point I don't remember a large portion of the rest of the night, but I do remember that we went BACK to where we had just left. This time D and I were walking arm in arm holding hands (so to keep each other upright and moving in a forward motion) and we were going to take on EVERYONE. There was a girl sitting on the sidewalk talking on her cell phone....D says to her: "Are you okay?" she answers "Oh, yeah I'm totally fine, thanks!" D responds "Well you better get the hell up off the street then, girl" then I chime in "We should TCP her!" Then D and I continue on how we could take on every person that we walk by, and we tell them so. I would love to share about the rest of the night after that, but it gets a little fuzzy. I do think I remember someone saying that A fell down on the sidewalk, but I couldn't verify this story. For all I know Jesus could have came out of the sky and fell down in front of me and I probably tried to CCP him. I'm just sayin.
It was another night on Planet Awesome.

H and I were talking on Monday and we are taking this week off. We are going to make a true attempt at being Normal. We are not going out after work this week; instead on Sunday there will be Turkey dinner at her house, then Monday she will come hang out with my Aunt and I and some friends of our family, then Tuesday her and I will eat at Applebees and catch a matinee.

This plan may or may not work out for us.

If it does go as planned then next week we will have some making up for lost time to do...
So until our week of normalcy concludes I have a book staring at me telling me I need to be reading it.

s.

Nevermind Your Face, Planet Awesome, A Grilled Cheese Sandwich and Dance Dance Revolution

2007-11-13T19:53:00.000-08:00

I'm a little late in posting so here's an update on the Birthday Marathon.

Sunday the 4th: Marathon day. We start the marathon a little later than the usual Noon or so. I meet H, C, and A down at Spirits (a super DIVE bar about a block away from H's house) at 1400. We start with a shot or two and a drink. I decided that I needed to put food in my stomach as I knew that it needed something to cushion the absurd amount of liquor that would soon be spilling into it. I had been craving a grilled cheese for a couple of weeks and figured now was the perfect opportunity to quench said craving. So I ordered a grilled cheese sandwich and fries. "I can't make a grilled cheese, we don't have a grill" said the bartenderman. H and I looked at each other with shock and disbelief. I said fine and opted for a cheeseburger instead. Now it didn't dawn on me until like 8 hours later when I was starving (because aforementioned cheeseburger was LESS than satisfying -- I took 3 bites and couldn't finish it!) that I turned to H and said "How can they NOT make a grilled cheese sandwich, but they can make a Goddamn CHEESEBURGER?!?! This still baffles me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. We leave said establishment shortly thereafter and head to the Sandy Hut. There V and N join our festivities. We have a few rounds there with no real incidents to speak of.

We then head to Union Jacks because at 1900 who DOESN'T want to see boobies? We arrive and all are feeling quite warm from the drinks and get a table. As we drink and talk the conversation leads to work (which is inevitable since we all work together), then we take stock in the fact that it is inherently wrong on several different levels that we are talking about work in the setting that we were in. We finish our drinks and leave. We venture to BOG where N buys me a double shot that sends me from happily drunk to near wasted. V and I proceed to have outrageous conversations that were barely recalled (on my behalf) the next day. By this time H has called work trying to get in touch with another coworker and convince him that we are on Planet Awesome and he needs to join us....He, for some reason, chose to go home.

At this point V and C decide they are going their separate ways and N, H, A and I try and figure out where to next. We decide that its only 2300 so we should cross the river and sing some karaoke. We get to the Boiler Room and I am so hungry I could eat my own face off. At this point H decides she's going to sprint around the block to find me a grilled cheese sandwich, because it is, after all, my birthday and all I want is a fucking GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH. It is now that we realize the senselessness of the situation at bar #1. H comes back with nothing to show for her sprint around downtown. So we drank. N decides to take the situation into his own hands. "I'm going to find you a fucking grilled cheese if it's the last thing I do. Order me a Jameson. I'll be back." And so I did. At this point we go outside to smoke (H and I; A stayed in to watch our stuff). We come back in to find A being hit on by some lesbians and someone sitting on H's stool. H taps stool stealer on the shoulder and asks him to move. He moves one seat over and nicely places himself on MY stool. I looked at him, like he had 9 heads I'm sure, and said "Sit somewhere that's NOT here. These are all taken" H states "You CAN'T sit here". The lesbian talking to A apologizes on her friends' behalf then follows A outside to smoke. At this point N shows back up with the best grilled cheese sandwich I've ever eaten IN MY LIFE and then decides that he wants to sing Woomp There it Is and us girls are his "backup bitches". I never made it to stage because I was laughing too hard. N signed up for some sweet karaoke under the name: NeverMindYourFace instead of writing his own name down because, well, "I didn't feel like writing my name, but had already written down the N" he said to us the next day as we recapped the night. So there was singing and then more singing and then they closed. I should interject a moderately cloudy memory that is surfacing: at some point, I think it was slightly before the Boiler Room we stopped off somewhere and played Dance Dance Revolution...FYI: Up and Down arrows on the game are NOT interchangeable....I lost.

We headed to a little establishment a couple blocks down. H decided it was imperative that she sprint/jog the whole way there. She almost made it, but there was a something -- we don't know what it was, but it WAS something (I SAW it!) that made her trip a little bit at the curb. No worries. We get inside the bar. We grab a table. N goes to the bar to order some drinks. "I'll have 4 shots of Tequila". Bartenderman says to N: "Is one of those for the girl who just fell down?"..."I'll have 3 shots of Tequila and a water." So there we were sitting at the table and N is helping H clean up her now slightly bleeding knee. Next thing we know due to some VERY FAULTY manufacturing, H has fallen out of her chair. I'm not kidding, these chairs were ridiculously unstable to begin with!! We left within minutes. Head back to N's house and somewhere around 0400 fall into a coma-like state.

Monday morning (my actual birthday) we head to Starbucks (STAT) then back to our respective cars. I go home and shower then head back to H's for a couple of drinks before my family shows up in town.

All in all it can be summed up by saying that if one would like to see what Planet Awesome is, then he should spend a day with us. Just give us ONE day; just one marathon and you will wonder how you ever got by without us.

Keep Away From the Flames and Go Save a Horse

2007-10-22T14:20:00.000-07:00

So I ended it with the "someone" I was dating. He is a great person and everything was pretty much perfect, but the problem I have is that he absolutely will NOT say anything to people who are taking advantage of him and treating him like shit. I'm just not ready to deal with that again. I am not a person who puts up with that kind of garbage. Like most of you already know I don't hold a lot back when it comes to what I'm thinking. If you are not being nice to me or I don't like you then, by God, you WILL know. I am not afraid to give somebody a good What For. Don't sit there and plead to me for ten minutes that you will work on it and try to get better at standing up for yourself, in order for me to not end the relationship, then in the next breath say "That's just how I am, there's nothing I can do about it". Seriously, I swear to Christ that's what he said. If that's the case (...Nothing I can do about it...) then don't fucking tell me that you will work on it. And by all means don't get all ass chapped and call me a Cunt Face (in secret passive aggressive code) with your buddy because I STAND UP FOR WHAT I DO AND DO NOT WANT. That's okay, though. I understand that you have to project your anger at yourself on to me so that you can cope. The bottom line is that I'm still not going to put up with the behavior. I don't feel bad for ending the relationship. It's one of the perks of being an asshole. I am okay with this. I am the first to admit that I am one. Get over it.

Enough about that bullshit.

In the mean time work is still super. Both of my knees are solid bruises, a few of which have started to fade. I will get pictures on here as soon as I figure out how (anyone can feel free to email me and let me know the secret to that trick). I have started hanging out with coworkers on a consistent basis and I love it. I work with some pretty fucking fantastic people! Also, on this same note, I wish that the folks of the male gender that work at the facility were not so goddamn attractive. I hate having crushes on people at work. I hate having crushes on people who I know are not what I am ultimately looking for, or need for that matter. Oh well. I'm sure it won't be long until the it subsides.

I was talking with my coworker friends last night about why is it that I always am attracted to he who is not The One. I don't know where else to meet the aesthetically pleasing male type, though. Work boys are off limits because dating coworkers is never a good idea. I don't like dating friends of friends because then if it goes sour it turns real awkward around the mutual friend. Maybe I just need to hold out for Ryan Reynolds or Tom Brady, or a good old fashioned, nicely toned, Cowboy.

Until then, remember: Don't let the spark ignite, but if it does, don't play with the fire because you'll be too burnt to hit on the hot Firemen coming to put out the flames.

s.

A New Hobby, Some Dirt, an FYI and some Words of Wisdom

2007-09-26T19:24:00.000-07:00

So according to a few people I need to update this thing and, in light of recent events, I believe it is definitely time.

Work has been intense. I will post some pictures soon of my injuries that I acquire at the workplace...I was bitten 2 weeks ago on my left ankle. I still have a black bruise the size of a silver dollar there. Sunday I was bitten on the right forearm. I have teeth marks and a bruise there now, too. SUPER. I can't wait till I get punched in the face and get a black eye then go to town and have people think I'm Domestic Violence victim. THAT'S going to be fun times LOL!

I am in the process of learning how to sew on a sewing machine. I'm making curtains for my windows and have sewed my first seam yesterday! I can see that this may be a new hobby for me. I love seeing fabric and thinking of all the things I can make with it. I am looking forward to being able to make lots of Christmas presents for everyone, though they may only be pillows or a throw blanket, they will be created with my own hands and so whomever receives them HAS to love them! I will post pictures and updates on projects that I am working on. I think it will be good for me to pick up another hobby besides reading, writing and drawing.

SO. Onto bigger and better dirt on my life...I have previously mentioned that I think I am seeing someone. Let me just say that, yes, we are "dating". He picks me up from my house for dates (actual DATES!) Our personalities are the same and I have taught him all about "Your Team" which he thoroughly enjoys and takes part in, as often as possible. He gives me cards for no reason. He drove all the way from his house today, while I was at work, to leave me a gift on my doorstep so I would get it when I got home. He's thoughtful and respectful and for those of you who are already asking the burning question...............HE'S OLDER THAN ME. Holy shit. I know. I am not sure what else to say about it even though there's a million things I could. I'm happy and I guess I'll leave the subject at that for now. If you want to know more then just ask.

FYI: In response to my previous post and the reference to revenge....J I didn't need the gift you gave me after all, but I did get sweet revenge nonetheless....call me or I can send you details of the story in an email if you want...it's pretty funny and my plan couldn't have worked any better if I had actually scripted it!

To D The Great (here on out referred to as DTG) I am sorry I haven't written about global warming, or the holocaust, but I'm thinking of coming down in Octoberish....not sure yet, though. I will definitely give heads up when I figure it out. I miss all of you terribly, more than any words could describe.

I guess this is where I say goodnight. Before I go, though, let me leave you with some words of wisdom: If you're having a bad day and need to laugh just picture me with an 8 year old latched onto my fucking ankle by his teeth and see if you can figure out what exactly is running through MY head at that second!

Until then,
s.

2007-09-03T20:05:00.000-07:00

Why is it that I feel it vital to draw a blank every time I sit down to write? What do people really want to read about on here? My work life? I finished teaching in August and was offered a position working on one of the residential units. I took the job offer and have since been working on the "secure client" unit of the facility. I got kicked in the face by a 7 year old a week and a half ago. It was fantastic. My job is very taxing, but for some reason I love it.

I think I'm dating someone. I say "I think" because we've gone out twice, to be exact, and talk on the phone everyday for (literally) hours and have plans to go out again tomorrow. What happened to the good 'ol days when things were cut and clear? The days when your crushes best friend would come up to you and say "hey, B has a crush on you. Will you go out with him?" and then from that point on you two were "going out" which translates into "you are not single anymore" at least until afternoon recess when they decide they want to go out with someone else and then send the aforementioned best friend to break up with you. Either way it was so much less complicated. Now it's a huge deal. Are you dating or just "hanging out"? And at what point when you are dating do you become "not single"? This is the kind of stress that just makes me want to chuck it all and say "fuck it" and stay single for the rest of my life. The stress over merely defining what you are is enough to cause a fucking stroke! I have decided, though, that I'm taking the back seat on this. I'm old fashioned, you can court me like it used to be. Pick me up for dates, open doors, guide me through crowds with your hand on my back, I'll wait to hear you say what it is before I assume anything. And that folks, is what I like to call "Making the man earn what he's REALLY after".

Hmmm. Now what. I bought Yellowcard's newest album, "Paper Walls", today. The lyrics on this album blended with Sean's violin flowing like blood with the melodies are amazing. Today was pretty much awesome. Went with the "someone" to downtown, checked out some art booths...Coveted a few pieces, but at $1300 for one that I really wanted I think I'll pass....Besides some beautiful art there were some pretty FANTASTIC social disasters. Too bad D wasn't there because he'd have to start adding second and third string teams for all his members! Can I just mention that the fabulous thing about "someone" is that he appreciates the necessity of life to point out anyone who is fashionably challenged (aka: they don't own a mirror) and just downright unfortunate looking and laugh as hard as I do.

I am supposed to get my new carpet tomorrow then maybe I can finISH MOVING INTO MY FUCKING APARTMENT. If my carpet does not get put in tomorrow and I cannot finish unpacking this is what's going to happen:

1. I will turn into "S. The Cunt-face" because I will pull out my "bitch" card and slap the property owners across the face 3 times with it.
2. I will not be paying rent and they can suck hairy balls that have been smeared in cat shit and asbestos.
3. I might cry.
4. I might go to jail for doing 1-2

Here are some more general observations about life.

1. Guys that you date for a month or so then abruptly stop speaking to you for no apparent reason and then a year and a half later when they see you in a dress at a wedding decide that they want to try and be super sweet and caring and affectionate make no sense to me. HELLO?? WTF? It's not like I didn't possess the same qualities and the same legs when you stopped talking to me! Get a grip and taste my sweet revenge....Now you know how it feels (The boys know what I'm referring to right now...Haha, my plan worked!)

2. My neighbor across the way who leaves her house closed up and blinds closed all day, but then opens the blinds and turns on all of her lights at 2100 hours! I do NOT want to see what she is hiding behind those curtains because it is not pretty....(please refer to above socially disastrous and unfortunate looking individuals)

3. I need to get a more comfortable chair to sit in while I blog because my ass is numb.

4. I love nights like tonight. Quiet, cool breeze, good music all following a great day.

5. Sometimes when you aren't expecting it something fabulous drops into your life.

Until next time,
s.

Infiltrated Balconies and Tragedy Broken Beautiful

2007-07-24T19:58:00.000-07:00

These are the things that I have noticed since moving into my new apartment and living alone:

1. My new neighbor has a cat which likes to meander on my balcony.
2. I hate cats.
3. Aforementioned neighbor's cat's litter box's putrid scent lingers and takes over my balcony.
4. I hate cats.
5. I can take a shower with the bathroom door open
6. I don't have to be quiet in the mornings.
7. I can survive off of milk and raisin bread.
8. I'm sleep walking again.
9. I'm apparently eating raisin bread and drinking milk when I sleep walk.
10. I miss my friends.

These are some things that I have noticed since starting at my new job:
....Wait....I should preface this with some background info about my new job.

I work at a residential facility for children with emotional and behavioral problems brought on by severe neglect, abuse, trauma, abandonment, Post traumatic stress, ADD, etc. For the summer I am actually a teacher (?!?) teaching at the on site school. My class is middle schoolers. From what I've been told, by staff that have been working here for a while, I have the second most volatile group of kids on the entire facility. A day without a fistfight or some outbreak of violence towards myself or another client is a "good day". At any given moment you may be punched or cussed out by someone half your age. I was in the commons for lunch yesterday and watched a 5 year old scream several times "FUCK YOU BITCH" and having a tantrum for some reason that I am not aware. The sad thing is that these kids have problems (suicidal ideation, self harm, hyper-aggression, etc) NOT because they are undisciplined punks, but because at some point down the line that's what they were taught by whomever they were being raised by. It really breaks my heart beyond belief to look a child in the eyes and know that those eyes have shed the tears wondering why they weren't good enough to not be abused and abandoned; to think that getting the shit kicked out of them by their own parent/s and put out like yesterday's trash is somehow their own fault and that is how life is supposed to be.

The big problem I have with this job, as anyone would, is detachment. I have to separate myself at work from myself not at work. Obviously I don't take things personally from the kids at work, but the biggest thing that I MUST do is emotionally detach. Don't feel anything because if I feel even a little something it could absolutely destroy me at the end of the day. It is vital that I leave work at work.

With that being said back to my list. Things I have noticed about myself and work since starting the new job:

1. Despite the problems that they have, some of these kids are truly intelligent.
2. You will never forget the day that you get called a "fucking bitch" by a 5 year old, an "asshole" by an 11 year old, or a "cunt" by a 12 year old.
3. I am finding it hard to detach -- not because I can't, but because I'm afraid of what I will become if I do
4. There is no "partial detachment" for me. I either shut off my emotions completely and feel absolutely nothing in any aspect of my life and become what I have worked so hard to overcome, or I don't and risk developing a serious drinking problem to help ease the sadness of these kids that wears on my heart.
5. There is nobody or nothing that can make you laugh faster or harder than a child and his random calling out of the "AFLAC" during silent reading time (and, no, he was reading nothing even remotely close to the subject)
6. One has to really appreciate the TRUE honesty of a child. They keep me in check and let me know instantly if my joke is not funny....Today: Client: "Shannon. Seriously. Are you trying to make jokes again?" Me: "I thought it was very funny!" Client: "That's probably why you were the ONLY one laughing. It wasn't funny."

So that's all I have to say for now. I will post more as time moves on. So to the 4 of you who read this (Denise informed me that there's more than 3 so I'll push it up 1, LOL!) I miss you guys and I'm still surviving.

Until another quiet moment presents...

s.

Here's To You

2007-06-10T14:08:00.000-07:00

At the prompting of D I decided it was time to update my blog. I'm not sure that I will write anything that is news to anyone since there's only 3 people that read this (and they already know the news), but I will anyways.

So we all know that I am planning on moving to Portland in September so with this in mind I have been leisurely parusing the online job ads in the Oregonian to get a feel for what's out there. About 2 1/2 or 3 weeks ago I found an ad for an "Child and Adolescent Treatment Specialist". I thought this sounded pretty appealing so I checked out the company's website. Turns out it is pretty much exactly what I want. It encompasses where I wanted to direct my career path (counseling adolescents with behavioral issues, history of abuse, PTSD, etc) and it also is in direct relation to my degrees. So I typed out a cover letter and revamped my resume, filled out an application printed from their site, and faxed it all in. They called me a week later and asked if I could come up for an interview. So this past Friday I went up for an interview. THE interview. After 2 1/2 hours the offered me the position on the spot. Well of course I accepted it. The catch is that I have to start training ASAFP. My last day at my current job is this Thursday at which point I will drive out of the parking lot and be on my way to residing in Portland. YEP. You heard me. Instead of having time to organize and plan and pack and not stress my move date has been moved up 3 months. I have 4 days to get everything in order and move. I'm pretty much freaking out.

IN THE MEAN TIME...

Last night was my going away party/photo shoot. I wanted to have at least one or two photos of The Group to adorn my walls in my new home. Let me just say that the range of photos taken are from J in a lawn chair with a beer, to all of the boys lined up in a "prom" style photo, to individual pictures of everyone on "Shanta's" lap, to T being hosed down with bowls of water thrown on him, to me wrapped in -- well, I'll leave that one a surprise... I can't wait to see the photos and I can't wait to put them up.

The night was fun, to say the least. It's one of the hardest things for me to do -- leaving my friends. They are my support system and my energy. **SIDEBAR -- the movie Beaches is on right now...is THAT vital?** Okay back to my point. I don't have the words to explain everything going on in my head right now. It hasn't even hit me yet that in 4 days I won't live here anymore. I won't have my friends 15 minutes away. No more Howie's on Fridays. No more Porch Monkey's. No more YOUR TEAM. It's sad to go, but it's time. So with tearful goodbye's I pack my things and load my car; take one last look and smile and wave; I get in my car and with Terri Clark's "No Fear" pouring through my speakers I say to you all that I love you, and now I'm on my way.

We Salute You, I Salute You

2007-05-28T17:06:00.000-07:00

A day of remembrance and a day of Honor. Our flags are raised with you in mind. Though there may not be agreeance in what has been done, wars fought, lives lost, there will always be gratitude for you. For signing up and training and shipping out on your own free will; for feeling such pride for our country that you are willing to lay your life on it; for leaving your family and friends behind to fulfill your missions and your duties; for every 'goodbye' you say to your husbands and wives and children knowing there may never be another 'hello' we respect you.

So to all the military men and women of past and present; to those still with us and those who have passed; to those who have made it home from battle and to those who made it home only in spirit; we commend you. I commend you.

To my brother, N, who enlists those brave and honorable enough; S and his infantry division in Afghanistan right now; the many other friends I have, who have served in the past or are serving right now, it would take hours to name you all; to my late Uncle P who risked his life every day for years serving on the Berlin wall in the heat of conflict; There are not enough words to thank you all. Each of you have my unwaivering gratitude and respect. On this day and on every day you are all in our thoughts.

At your funeral nearly 12 years ago the flag was lowered, the color gaurd presented, and the guns saluted. I never got over it and to this day with each 21 gun salute I hear my breath catches in my throat as tears fall down my face. Your folded flag still sits proud on the shelf, just as we stand, still proud, of you. Uncle P you were a husband, a brother, a son, an uncle and my hero.

But The Water's Shallow Here

2007-05-27T22:19:00.000-07:00

Outside there's a blackened sky illuminated with stars like christmas lights. The night is unseasonably cold for May. Crickets chirp a midnight song. I sit here and wonder about my life. I wonder about love. Although I'm not yet 30, I feel like I'm well past it. I wonder if I will be single and alone for the rest of my life. I know that sounds very melodramatic, but sometimes I really feel it may be this way. All but a couple of my friends are in serious relationships or married. My cousins are all married, except for two. So what is the problem here? I don't see that I'm all that unfortunate looking; I am well educated (getting ready to even further said education); I have a good personality and get along well with pretty much anyone and I am, most importantly, honest and loyal.

I think a huge part of the problem is society. Men don't want a relationship they want to get laid. My philosophy is that if I'm good enough to sleep with then I'm good enough to have a relationship with. Seriously. Why is it that if there's even a nano-thought of a relationship then the man bolts? Or why is it that things are going great and then he just cuts communication altogether and you don't hear from him again? Or my personal favorite: why is it that the one person you do love doesn't love you back, is married to someone else and after almost 8 years your feelings haven't changed?!

Is that the problem? Nobody wants to love me because my heart belongs to someone I can't have? If that's the case then, well, I don't know. How do I let it go, though? I've tried everything. New relationships (one even lasted 3 1/2 years, but that's a whole different rant). Occupying myself with other things; work, hobbies, school. Focused only on the negative aspects of his being. I should've stopped loving him the first time he broke my heart. They say that "Love is blind", but is it really blind? Or is it painfully aware, but just ignorantly hopeful?