Earthquakes, Stereotypes, Photo Ops, and Crudeness Exuded

The day started out as any other. Except it didn't. Apparently it was vital for my neighbor to move out of her apartment this morning at 0700 with approximately 47 of the largest, loudest stomping, furniture dropping retards in the northern hemisphere. I tried to ignore it, but the constant earthquake thundering up and down our adjoining stairwell had other plans. So I got up and drank some coffee.

Oh. By the way, MFL and I are starting up our own business. We are still in the planning stages right now, but moving along nicely. We do lots of research for the up and coming business and today that research included attending Portland's Bridal Show held annually at the convention center. This research project is fantastic for several reasons:

1. MFL, as previously mentioned, is as inappropriate as I am. There is no "marginally" in front of it, either. We are WHOLLY inappropriate all of the time. Especially if the situation calls for acting like a respectable adult. So spending any time whatsoever with her is guaranteed fun.
2. Free cake. Who doesn't love cake? Especially when it's free.
3. There will undoubtedly be a lot of things (read: people) there to make fun of. Loudly.
4. Free cake.
5. Pretending to be a bride and then watching the excitement fade off the vendors' faces when you say "Just kidding" after they just spent 10 minutes selling you on the special they're running for today only! while 7 other real brides have come and gone.
6. Free.
7. Cake.

Let the fun begin. I show up to MFL's house and we immediately start discussing books (again) as she shows me her new ones and old favorites (we're such dorks). Her husband, CR, steps in to say 'hello' and we chat. **sidebar** MFL and CR may be the most fantastically cute and perfect pairing since Whiskey and Coke or Smith and Wesson. I lurve their stupid faces so bad.

Whatever.

Anyways so MFL and I are driving to the show and as we pull up behind a car stopped at a red light we feast our eyes on what reinforces every stereotype and joke regarding Mexicans.

MFL: What the shit? There's like 30 people in that car.
me: W. T. F.
MFL: Seriously what is going on in there?
me: It's a Ford Taurus wagon, right? Not a clown car?
MFL: I wonder how they all got in there. It doesn't look like it would be easy. Or quick. hehehe quickandeasy hehehe
me: Does it make me horrifically politically incorrect if I point out that they're all Mexicans?
MFL: No because that's exactly what my first thought was.
me: Nothin like reinforcing every stereotype there is. Oh well. Where the fuck am I supposed to turn to get into this joint?

So we get into the place and immediately begin our commentary. On everything.

me: Would it be poor form if I started hitting on random guys I see?
MFL: I don't think so, except most of them are probably here with their fiances.
me: Hmpf. I wonder what the odds are. Shit.
MFL: Shit, that bitch stole my outfit.
me: Who?
MFL: The one in the poor fitting prom dress and ugly face


So we get through the line and get in this shit show. There are already lots of people and I hate them all already. On the bright side, though, we found me 3 new boyfriends (one of which MFL named Jerry. As in CURL because he. had. one. and an ugly face) and her 6 new husbands (sorry CR). There were some PRIME pickins there today, folks! Seriously. Jerry curls, Shmans, and Boat Captains (in full regalia)! If you didn't go in with a fiance you could surely leave with one! SCORE! All this and we haven't even hit the cake yet. Fuck. Iwantsomecakedammit!

Ahhh. Cake.

So we meander, push, and kick through the hordes of blushing brides to be for the next hour and a half receiving a, disappointingly, small amount of stink eyes from anyone who overheard anything that we said. On our journey we stumble across some very excited, dancing, DJ's (MFL: You should totes go give that hot DJ guy your number. me: Those guys have to be wasted to be doing that. MFL: It's okay, just sleep with him. me: I can't do that because I would feel like I'm being deceitful MFL: Oh fine. You with your morals and shit. Damn you. Come on though, it's just sex. me: I can't, but that would make a fun story, wouldn't it. Seriously, though, they have to be wasted right now!) Anyways we come across a vendor for photo booths and we partake. We walk away and celebrate how fantastic we and our new photo booth photos are. Next we sit down to the "Fashion Show" and proceed to offend about 20 more people (fuck em, we thought it was hilarious that the first "girl" looked more like a man who didn't know "she" was a man yet.) MFL states loudly This shit is a waste of my time I'm not looking for a dress. We decide to walk away from the "fashion" show and go covert ops to the photo booth vendor to take another set of photos (so we could each have a set, duh.). So we come up with a sneak attack plan to get our second photos and we get there and realize that the photo booth lady (not the dude that was there our first time around, Score!) there is occupied with some broad whining about something. We sneak right in and take a second round of pictures. When we come out and are waiting for the pictures the lady is no longer occupied and begins to offer us a brochure, but then stops and gives us the stink eye oh. You've already been through. That's kind of... Shit. She's on to us. We grabbed the pics and left her midsentence.

We've done enough damage, let's get the shit outta here.

I'm pretty sure that the enormity of fun that was had, and crudeness exuded, does not translate into this post, but it doesn't matter. I don't care and if you can't figure out hilarious MFL and I are then we won't like you anyways.

Gotta go, reruns of Grey's Anatomy are on.

Don't judge me, asshole.

s.