Poop and Punches and The Application

Well it's my last night of vacation. It is at this point that I really REALLY wish I was independently wealthy and did not need to work. I wish I could board a plane right now and head somewhere tropical. Any of you out there reading this wish to help make that dream a reality? T minus 13.5 hours until I return to the land where children throw poop and punches. I guess it's a good thing, though. Restraining children is how I stay in shape (you think I'm kidding, don't you? You should see my arms. The definition in them is not from lifting the remote.)

I don't really have anything awesome to say today. Wait. Who am I kidding? Everything I say is awesome. Duh.

So looking through some of my writings I have stashed away I found what follows. One of my friends and I were talking one day about various things and the sorry excuses for gentlemen out there so it inspired me to write it. I had forgotten about it (it's in a different folder than my current project) until I saw it tonight. I cracked myself up while I was writing it (when DON'T I crack myself up, though?) so hopefully it brings a smile to you, too.


There are applications to get a job, there are applications to get a house, there are applications to buy a car, there are applications to get into to college, there are even applications to get a cell phone; so why shouldn’t there be an application for dating? In a society filled with the horrific things we see on the news every single day why not screen the people that want to buy a little of our time? Not only do we have to worry about gun wielding lunatics, but we also have to worry about the wolves disguised in sheep’s clothing that are only searching for tail. Failed relationships, and heartbreak after heartbreak, it’s high time that one stops settling for “Mr. Good Enough for Right Now” and finds “Mr. Right”. So here it is…

The Application To Date Me

Full Name _______________________________________

Date of birth __________________________

Do you have a criminal record (if yes, you best be explaining, but don’t start holding your breath) ______________________________________________________

Do you do any drugs ____________

Do you smoke ______________

How tall are you _______________

What color are your eyes _____________________

How long was your longest relationship _____________________

Have you ever cheated on a girlfriend _______________________

What is the most important thing in a relationship ____________________

Do you like to read _________________________________

What church do you go to _______________________________

If you don’t regularly attend church what are your religious beliefs ________________________________________________________________________

Highest grade completed in school _________________________

Are you close with your family __________________

Do you have any siblings _______________________________________________________________________

Where were you raised _______________________________

What High School did you attend ______________________________

Have you ever been married or engaged __________________

Do you have any children ______________

Do you want children (if yes how many) _______________________________

What kind of car do you drive ___________________________

Do you have your own house/do you live alone ________________

What do you do for a living and how many hours/week do you work _______________________________________________________

What kind of music do you listen to _________________________________

What are your top five bands of all time ________________________________________________________________________

What are your top five movies of all time ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

What do you do in your free time _______________________________________________________________________

Do you drink alcohol often __________________________________________

Do you drink coffee _________________

Do you like to dance ____________________

What are your top five priorities in life ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

How do those change if you are in a relationship ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

What do you think about the military _______________________________________

Are you a republican or a democrat ________________________________________

Who sings “Yellow Ledbetter” __________________________________________

What is your favorite color _____________________________

What song do you secretly rock out to when no one is around to make fun of you for liking the song _________________________________________________________

What is your favorite type of food _________________________________________

What is your favorite holiday ___________________________________

What is your favorite season of the year ___________________________

Do you like the rain ________________________________________

Do you like thunder and lightning _______________________

What is your perfect date ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Do you believe in ghosts _______________________________

Do you believe that people can have a sixth sense _____________________________

Do you believe in love at first sight _____________________________

Do you believe everything happens for a reason _________________________

Do you believe in soul mates ________________

Do you have any piercings or tattoos ________________________________________________________________________

Are there any typos or grammatical errors in this application ___________________

Is there anything else I should know about you that I did not ask ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Any psychological disorders, psychopathic tendencies, are you a fugitive from Russia ______________________________________________________________

Did you enjoy filling this out __________________________________________

Are you smiling or laughing right now _____________________________

Where do you see yourself in five years ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

What is your phone number _______________________________________________

Can you give me the fairytale _____________________________________________